Local Wall prior to rampage.

In a statement released late this afternoon, investigators indicate the altercation began several days ago when Burke’s foot went through a portion of the porch floor attached to the wall. Evidence on the scene indicates that during attempts to negotiate with the wall, Burke discovered that the wall had been secretly harboring significant quantities of mold, spiders and slugs, mostly embedded in the water-logged insulation place against the OSB used by a prior homeowner as a temporary repair. Upon discovering this information,  Burke appears to have undergone some form of psychotic break and is reported to have attacked the wall with wrecking bars, a sledge hammer, and multiple power saws.

Aftermath

Officials on the scene indicate that that the wall’s remains are currently piled on the scene pending availability of appropriate disposal vehicles and have requested that local residents remain clear of the demolition zone pending conclusion of the investigation and disposal of the remains. Although the wall was a total loss, Burke suffered only minor scrapes, although it appears that a ruptured wallet may be a possibility. Burke was not available for comment at the time of publication.

In addition to the devastation to the wall, countless numbers of insects, spiders and slugs were left homeless as the result of this senseless tragedy. In an interview earlier today, former resident Slimy Sluggo stated “It just doesn’t seem fair. We all were just innocently living our lives in this wonderful damp, unventilated spot. I mean, is it our fault someone used wood that is such good food for us or forgot to put any vents in to let things dry out?” Authorities on the scene indicate that many of the former residents are refusing to leave on there own. Plans are currently underway to encourage them to move on later today.

Slimy Sluggo

In related news, shares in Home Depot increased 10% in anticipation of a likely spike in sales.

Plans for reconstruction of the wall have not been announced pending notification of Burke’s wife and family. In lieu of flowers, the family has requested memorial contributions be made directly to the Porch Wall Reconstruction fund.

10:00 AM — Woke up late after a long night last night. Was rather shocked that the sun was out and the skies were completely cloud-free. Once the sun gets off that outside wall, it ought to be a great day to get some serious painting done on my house. I love my old house! It is so rewarding to be slowly restoring a piece of history, and I’m saving so much money doing the work myself!

2:00 PM — Wasted way too much time on that first cup of coffee. Damned Facebook! But the sun is still out and I just checked the radar … no rain within 100 miles. Time to get set up to paint!

2:30 PM — Got all set up to paint and started spraying and not 5 minutes later a freak thunderstorm dropped torrents of rain on the house. Sun was out the whole time, but the primer all washed off. Might be a good day to get some inside repairs taken care of instead.

3:00 PM — Got the nifty water filter in under the kitchen sink. Funny, the directions didn’t say anything about tightening the connections into the filter. Oh, well. It’s just a few gallons of water inside the cabinet. I’m sure it will dry.

3:05 PM — Noticed a bit of a urine smell by the toilet. I’ve been meaning to pull that thing up and replace the wax ring. I think I’ll go check and see what the weather looks like, then I may tackle the nasty toilet job since the wife and kids are gone and we don’t have a second toilet.

3:30 PM — Outside wall stayed dry, so as soon as the roof dries off and quits dripping on the ladder, I think I’ll be able to paint. Meantime, I’m off to tackle the toilet.

3:45 PM — Got the toliet pulled. Pretty gross, but doesn’t look like there was a leak. Should be able to get it all cleaned up and remounted pretty quickly, but first I’m going out to check and see if things are drying up outside.

3:50 PM — Crap. Diarrhea.

4:00 PM — Went out to check on the weather again. Put my foot through the porch floor on the way in. Looks like there might be a couple of rotten boards to deal with. Toilet’s ready to put in, though.

4:10 PM — I don’t understand how nuts and bolts can just disappear. Toliet is set in place, but the nuts for the toliet bolts are MIA. I swear I left them… oh, crap … more diarrhea.

4:15 PM — Found the source of the urine smell. 4 year old appears to have started collecting his pee in the baby potty. That thing is awfully uncomfortable to sit on….

4:30 PM — Found the nuts. They were sitting right next to the toilet on the floor. Good news, though. Diarrhea seems to have cleared.

4:45 PM — Took a closer look at the porch. Whole damned wall and floor is rotten. To top it off, I stepped on a rusty nail. Might be time for a tetanus shot. Got most of the nail out, but it looks like there are a couple of little pieces left in the wound. Maybe I’ll try and clean it out later, but right now, I need to paint.

5:00 PM — Off to the ER. I guess the ladder wasn’t quite dry and I slipped off from about 10 feet up. Probably would have been OK, but on the way back in, I fell all the way through the damned porch floor and now I have a nail in my ass as well. Oh, and now the toilet is leaking and the damned diarrhea is back.

10:00 PM — What a night. Good news is the ankle isn’t broken. Doc says it’s just a ruptured tendon, should be better in 12 weeks or so. Had to have the remains of that nail in my foot surgically removed, but the nail in my backside came out cleanly. One of the ER nurses was nice enough to give me one of those donuts they give to people after hemorrhoid surgery to use when I go sit on my damned leaking toilet.

10:15 PM — Water line on that stupid ass filter came loose and started squirting water all over the kitchen floor. Slipped and fell right on the nail wound in my ass.

10: 30 PM — Damnit, forgot to empty the stupid toy potty and the dog spilled it all over the place.

10:35 PM — Just slipped in the dogs freakin mess. Where’s that damned dog! I’m going to bed.

When we bought our home 7 years ago, we knew the sill on the side of the barn was shot. What we didn’t know was that the brick portion of the foundation (the above ground portion) was crumbling away. When the snow melted and I saw the extent of the deterioration, I thought the sill and foundation repair would be a good starting project. I got as far as ripping off the bottom couple of feet of siding, did a little excavation, and got overwhelmed. And so the barn has sat, looking like it does here, for nearly 7 years…. from a distance, it doesn’t look too terrible (at least not in the context of some of the old New England barns in the area….)

When you get a little closer, though, you can start to see the true extent of the combined damage of time, weather, and my earlier misguided demolition.

That view is a little scary, but more just a view of the MESS (at least I’ve managed to kill off all the brush and overgrowth that caused the problem in the first place… I’m most certainly good at killing plants!) What is just a bit more concerning to me is the shot below….

You can almost see the level line here. The yellow spot near the middle is the actual line level hanging on the string … at the level of either end of the “foundation”. The good news is the front and back are almost perfectly in line. Bad news, in the middle, it’s dropped over 4 inches. I can’t imagine why… just because there is no sill or foundation on either side of this collapsing pile of bricks in the middle, which is holding up a more than half rotten piece of sill that in turn holds a beam that was more than half chewed through by prior equine resident of the barn!

The saving grace for the structure as a whole is that the floor beams run parallel to this wall, so the sill “only” holds up this wall … which is primarily hanging by the 2nd level beam.

So, the plan … the base of the foundation remains in good shape, so I’m capping it off with poured concrete, then there will be a single layer of standard concrete blocks. I’m hoping there will be enough salvageable bricks remaining to build the base up to level with the original bricks, but it’s looking like I’ll be using new bricks to top off the most visible part of the foundation.

I had originally thought I’d use a rough-sawn replacement beam for the sill, but since this side of the barn remains subject to a pretty significant pile of snow in the winter, I’m throwing the idea of period construction out and putting in a new sill constructed with pressure-treated lumber. Once all of that is done, I’ll have to do some creative grading, probably coupled with a French drain, to keep the bulk of the moisture away from the foundation. I’m guessing that this is all going to take the better part of the summer, especially since I also have to get more painting done, reroof the kitchen/porch, and find time to practice. I’ll keep you posted….

To put this in perspective, I have a three-year old boy, recently potty trained, and a 140+ year old house with a septic system of unknown age.  My son, bless his heart, is doing great at using his potty, but being the independant little guy he is, he also insists on trying to EMPTY his potty, which until today, we had foolishly moved from the bathroom to his bedroom to avoid any late night/early morning accidents. He loves his little potty — or should I say, he loved it until it mysteriously disappeared after his most recent attempt at emptying it. Need I say more? If you are a parent, you know what I’m talking about.

Now, that little, umm, mess, isn’t what has been keeping me from practicing. The septic system, on the other hand, is an entirely different story. Did you know that, if you have a septic system, you have a “Bio-Mat” lurking beneath your yard? That is just one of the countless new things I have learned about poo. I’ve also learned things like all of those cool enzyme additives that prevent you from having to have your tank pumped also keep your poo in suspension in your septic tank, which then makes its way to your Bio-Mat and clogs it, so then the poo oozes out into your yard. I also didn’t know that fabric softener has microscopic waxy particles that can get suspended with the suspended poo that exisits because in your septic tank because of the expensive enzyme additives that you added and, you guessed it, clog your Bio-Mat.

I’m not quite sure where I’m headed with this, other than to say that all I wanted to do tonight was practice, but instead, I got to read about poo and learn all these interesting facts (I avoided cleaning up today’s three-year old inspired mess only because he did it while I was still at work!) only to figure out that, since my Bio-Mat is now clogged with poo, my bank account won’t have poo left in it once the ground thaws. Next time, I’m sticking to the practicing!