(Milton Mills, NH) Dreams of new windows and a fresh coat of paint for a local porch wall were smashed when an altercation with a local homeowner turned violent today. Homeowner Jeremy Burke of Milton Mills is now in custody after reports of the altercation were reported to local police.
Local Wall prior to rampage.
In a statement released late this afternoon, investigators indicate the altercation began several days ago when Burke’s foot went through a portion of the porch floor attached to the wall. Evidence on the scene indicates that during attempts to negotiate with the wall, Burke discovered that the wall had been secretly harboring significant quantities of mold, spiders and slugs, mostly embedded in the water-logged insulation place against the OSB used by a prior homeowner as a temporary repair. Upon discovering this information, Burke appears to have undergone some form of psychotic break and is reported to have attacked the wall with wrecking bars, a sledge hammer, and multiple power saws.
Aftermath
Officials on the scene indicate that that the wall’s remains are currently piled on the scene pending availability of appropriate disposal vehicles and have requested that local residents remain clear of the demolition zone pending conclusion of the investigation and disposal of the remains. Although the wall was a total loss, Burke suffered only minor scrapes, although it appears that a ruptured wallet may be a possibility. Burke was not available for comment at the time of publication.
In addition to the devastation to the wall, countless numbers of insects, spiders and slugs were left homeless as the result of this senseless tragedy. In an interview earlier today, former resident Slimy Sluggo stated “It just doesn’t seem fair. We all were just innocently living our lives in this wonderful damp, unventilated spot. I mean, is it our fault someone used wood that is such good food for us or forgot to put any vents in to let things dry out?” Authorities on the scene indicate that many of the former residents are refusing to leave on there own. Plans are currently underway to encourage them to move on later today.
Slimy Sluggo
In related news, shares in Home Depot increased 10% in anticipation of a likely spike in sales.
Plans for reconstruction of the wall have not been announced pending notification of Burke’s wife and family. In lieu of flowers, the family has requested memorial contributions be made directly to the Porch Wall Reconstruction fund.
